"Hi Dad. I'm not really sure how to say this, but I need to take a minute to let you know, what I know, but never told you.

I know you think of me. I know you love me. I know your heart and I know your mind. 

I know your joy when I overjoyed, the way you smile with laughter when you hear my laugh.  I feel your heart swell with pride when I surprise you with my words, when I do something you didn't think could be done, when I share something more than what came before.

I know I am your dream in a way, an extension of your very being, yet completely all my own weirdness. I feel your worry if your words are enough, if you did enough, if you ARE enough, if you did it right, or if you got it all wrong. I know Dad.

And all the mornings you woke exhausted, and turned your eyes on me, putting you to the back and me to the front. I saw the way you worked, you tried to be all things, to lessen the pain, yet lift me higher.  To shelter me from the world, to protect me. I feel your guilt at times, always wondering if you'd done some different, as if you could, as if there was anything else, as if you didn't bear the weight of your own being, own hurts, own wounds and own love, as you carried the weight of mine. 

Sometimes I sense the regret that lingers in moments of your heart. And the worry that replays in the recesses of your mind, of who you should or shouldn't have been, what you should or shouldn't have done. I love you Dad.

I know I didn't come with instructions. I know you struggled. I know you had sleepless nights. I know you did the best with what you had been given and what you had been taught. I know you were frustrated, sad and sometimes mad. I know I challenged you and raised you up. I know I hurt you and I loved you. I'm sorry Dad.

I feel your guilt sometimes, the weight of having to be the hero all the time, the perfection you expect of yourself, as if you are only dad and no other version, no other role. I feel the weight of labels and hurt from your father that you try to hide, not wanting to put the hurt one me. I know you weren't given the tools you needed at times, and I know the spaces where you had nothing left to give at all. It's okay Dad.

I feel your sadness bubble for me, when I am saddened, I feel your anger rise when another tries to step on me. I know you hurt when I hurt. I hear your silent wishes, that I will be more, have more, experience more, than you could, than you did. I hear your wish for my joy and happiness. I feel you swell when I succeed, and your deflation when I fall.

I know that when I breathe, I am breathing with you. And when you breathe, that I am receiving an extension of you. I know that in another place, another space, I will always be able to feel you, to sense you. Just like your father and all the fathers before, that beared their own struggles, yet still found the courage and the strength to raise me up.

I bet you didn't know I knew all of this. I think it's time you know...  You are perfect in my eyes. I don't mind if you cry. I'm okay if today we just play and tomorrow we need to work. I love that you are goofy and don't have it all figured out, because that gives me permission to not have to figure it all out either. I chose you for a reason - you and I are not by accident. Yes you, I chose you Dad...

I chose you for your heart and your hurts. I chose you for your softness and your strength. I chose you for all that you would teach me through thick and through thin, and the moments that you were there and even the ones you weren't. Because of all the other fathers, I just knew you were right for me, you were the one that would be perfect for me, and that I would be perfect for you too. That no matter where life took us, that you were the one I needed to live it with. You were the one I needed by my side. 

And listen...I knew you wouldn't be perfect, because I wasn't going to be perfect - But isn't that the perfection of us Dad? That no matter where I go, where you go, I am with you and you are with me, and we will cry, laugh, live, hurt, love and grow - whether together or apart - I knew I had to choose you.

I love you. Sometimes I miss you even when your down the street. I think of you in my dreams and in my waking hours. I love you. I forgive you in the places you struggle to forgive yourself. I support you, when things are great and things are hard. I thank you for all the places you have been, where you are now, and the space you hold in my heart forever, no matter how the path has gone, or way it has yet to lead.

These are all the reasons I chose you. I needed you to know that. I needed you to remember this - so that maybe you will see how great you are, how loved you are, and you can leave all the rest behind.

I loved you before we began. I love you right here in this moment, this breath. And I will love you every second after, beyond the end and into the next beginning - thats why I chose you.

Happy Fathers Day Dad - Love you"

To the father that needed to hear this, sending all my love to you on Father's Day. Thank you for bringing our future into this world. Thank you for dreaming more for our children than what came before. May the Father's be blessed.

Erin xo